Clangs and Bangs

You screwed it all up. The second his hand slipped under your shirt again, you knew. And in that moment you didn’t care. You’d care later.

This wasn’t your first indiscretion.  There had been roving palms and heaving sighs before. You’d been told to be careful. You were a good kid all your life. All As and Bs and Friday night dates with your parents.  They never thought you were the type to commit such a crime.

You were at the grocery store when you saw him picking out the best ground beef with ease and confidence. Like that’s a thing. You were grabbing some chicken, the only meat you knew how to cook, when you gave one of your self-conscious sideways glances and noticed him, a tall hazy blur of blue.

Years later all you remember was the ground beef hitting the floor with a deaf smack. 

You had just started school at Rhode Island School of Design. Out on your own taking the classes you’d dreamt of your whole life. You thought figure drawing would make you blush. It didn’t.

You lived in a 3-story green house with shutters and a creaking metal gate out front. You shared a room with two other girls. Kim and Blair. They were bitches, but you liked them all the same. They took you out to parties. You stood with a Smirnoff Ice in the corner of the room watching their legs clicking and tapping and gently rubbing other legs. You were going home alone tonight, not that you minded.

After all the green apple bitterness swishing back and forth in your stomach you decided to walk to Stop and Shop to get stuff for dinner. Chicken again? Okay.

You saw his daughter at the mall. You and the Blur of Blue were walking, his sure hand in your back pocket. He swiftly pulled you into a small clothing store and you hid behind a clothing rack as she walked by. Lebanese Blonde was playing and you were laughing, flushed. You wanted him right there.

Yelling and more yelling. Threats. Clangs and bangs. Threats. Threats.

Cool blue sunlight cast a glow on his white sheets like December morning. The shower was running. You laid there, naked, skin covered in small bumps, the hair standing up as you smoothed it slowly in one direction. You thought about the summer camp you went to as a kid.

Pushing aside the guilt. At least he took off his ring, though he made no pretense of leaving Her. He was never to blame. It was you.

You.

You and the Blur of Blue slow dancing in his red kitchen. You got dizzy from the spinning red. Better sit down. You watched Lost in Translation together. You probably should have realized how that meant something, but you were still dizzy.

Kim and Blair ask who this new guy you’re seeing is. You force a casual tone, shrug, and say “Just some guy.” They go back to talking about their shameful one night stands with devious grins on their faces. It’s not that you don’t trust them, but…You don’t trust them.

Mom and Dad are worried about you. You never come home anymore. “How are Kim and Blair?” They ask. “Fine” you say as you stare blankly at the Applebees menu, eyes darting to each blue word.

It was Friday afternoon and you were walking down the street, taking note of the crackling of the leaves beneath your feet and the smell of fall. You had a small grin at the corner of your mouth. You approached his house, bottle of wine in hand when you noticed Her car in the driveway again. You turned around muttering to yourself, “Of Course.”

“Hey come on, you know I love you” He kissed you deeply and you let the anger fall like a deflating balloon. This was how it was, all kisses and apologies and roving palms.

You began to retreat around the second month. You stopped going to class. You stopped making small talk with Kim and Blair and you ignored calls from your parents. It was all about you and your Blur of Blue, like the end of the world or something. He was a narcissist, so he was good with it.

After the sixth month you began to fight.

Clangs and Bangs.

That last night was the worst, full of screaming and crying. You wanted him to leave Her. To leave Them. He put his arms around you and started with his lines. You turned around in a flash and threw him against the counter. You remember the look of shock on his face. He came back toward you and the plan that you didn’t know was a plan unfolded.